Hoping for thoughts

[Silver]

Hello! I'm 30F who's also been in a monagamous relationship for 3 years now. I've always felt resonant with the Dd/lg dynamic since I was in my teens, but never really sought a relationship in the space because it wasn't common in my country, general lack of resources, and a lot of insecurities while I was growing up.

As an adult, I'd like to think I've grown up a lot. But things have been.. hard lately. I work in healthcare and deal with a lot of clients, interact with people, and make decisions everyday. My partner and I have a calm, stable relationship but they also have their own problems and we have different perspectives and way if dealing with things (including my views on this kind of relationship). I find it fascinating, and he just finds my fascination amusing. He's dependable, but more the type to consider my needs by leaving decisions up to me and going along with what I want.

Because my life has been feeling so saturated, I've gotten back into novels and thought it would be helpful to read stories that featured spice and Dd/lg dynamics. And this has been amazing. I've been feeling giddy and uplifted the past few days; basking in relationships that reflect a part of me that's been hidden away for so long.

But now.. I think it's coming to a point where I'm also questioning myself and my needs. The giddiness has become a myriad of emotions that I don't know how to fully understand. I feel guilty, happy, excited, and sad.

And generally... I'm just really tired and keep thinking like "I wish 'Daddy' would just make all my decisions for me and hug me when I can't hold myself together anymore."

This is a long read, but if you've made it this far.. Thank you. I needed a space where I could release all of this, so I'm grateful I found the site.